My Messy, Honest Relationship with Money (And Why I’m Choosing Less)

Money.
The word that brings up so many emotions.

Lack.
Desperation.
Safety.
Lust.
Greed.
Anger.
Fear.
Want.
Need.
Attachment.
Stress.
Focus.
Excess.

I could go on.

It’s funny really, we live in a world that’s increasingly obsessed with money, fixated on it, chasing it… and yet the imbalance of it across the world is staggering. Imagine how different things might be if it was spread more evenly. Wouldn’t that make for an interesting experiment, ay?!

I wanted to write about money today because it’s been dominant in my thoughts lately, although for reasons very different to how it usually shows up for me.

I want to be transparent with you here.

I’ve honestly never had a great relationship with money. It’s been pretty toxic since I was younger.
“Money would burn a hole in your pocket,” people used to say to me. And that story stuck. I’ve carried it for years, made it my identity and to be fair I've used it as an excuse to do just that - be bad with money.

Spare £100?
I’d blow it on clothes, or nights at the pub, rather than saving or paying off debt. And so the cycle has gone on… and on… for many, many years.

Why This Year Feels Different

This year I turn 38, and it’s the first time in a long time that I’ve had savings. It’s not loads. I still have debt. And I’m still tied, in part, to that old toxic relationship with money. It has improved over the last year… but it’s not magically healed! (if only ay!)

What has changed though is the questions I’m asking myself.

I’ve done the money mindset work.
I’ve read the Denise Duffield-Thomas books.
I’ve worked with coaches around finances.

And yet… I’ve never fully been able to leave this toxic love affair with the shiny gold one behind.

So this year, I'm going with a totally different approach!

Instead of digging endlessly into old money stories, where they came from, what shaped them etc.,

I’m looking at me, now.
How I actually live.
What I actually do.
And why.

I want to save, but why?

Because I have a big, very real goal now. I want to move into a cottage in the countryside. And for the first time, that dream feels more tangible. Possible. Not just a Pinterest board.

From the ‘Highest Version’ to the Most Honest One

If I'm honest, I'm feeling overstimulated by the constant buzz of the world. The constant pressure to be switched on. To upgrade. To consume. To be happier, better, shinier, more successful.

I used to strive to be the perfect version of myself.
The highest version.
The most abundant.
The most successful.

But something has shifted this year.

Right now, I’m craving the real version of myself.
The honest one.
The grounded one.
The thoughtful, kind one.

I want deeper roots.
Clearer vision.
To see what’s actually around me, through my own eyes, not through what I’m told I should want.

And this includes my relationship with money.

Questioning Consumption and Choosing Less

I’m questioning what enough actually means to me, personally
Why I feel the impulse to buy new clothes to fit an aesthetic for social media.
Why it feels like I’m “behind” if I’m not following the latest trends.

Do I really need another notebook when half the ones I own are barely used?
What happens if I choose less?
What happens if I slow down enough to mend and recycle what I already have?

How does my nervous system feel when I see a growing pot of savings… instead of a growing credit card balance?
And how does that shift my relationship with things?

There are so many questions.

Some are uncomfortable.
Some require facing hard truths.

But I’m choosing to approach this gently. Softly. Seasonally.

Because if I'm brutally honest, I think that’s the only way this will be sustainable for me in the long run.

A Softer, More Enchanted Way Forward

This is something I’ve deliberately woven into my membership, The Enchantment this year.

So others who feel called to explore their relationship with money, abundance, consumerism and enough-ness can walk alongside me if they wish.

I’m finding it fascinating to explore money through a more enchanted, seasonal lens. And perhaps… that’s exactly what I need for this shift to truly land in my body and actually change things.

If that sounds like something you’d love to explore too, you’re very welcome to join us inside The Enchantment for £12 a month. And if not, I’ll still be sharing this journey openly throughout the year, here, on social media, and on the podcast.

Either way, I’m choosing honesty over perfection this year.
Depth over speed.
Enough over more.